


Of Tame Racing Drivers From Naboo

by handschuhmaus



Series: Top Gear: GFFA [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Ambitious But Rubbish, Car Accidents, Darth Ginger Stig, Gen, Happy Ending, Late Night Writing, Rule 63, Sorry Not Sorry, What Was I Thinking?, in which the Stig is a quite ordinary human, or at least appears to be to someone who can sense midichloreans, sort of suicidal crash dummies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-06
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-02-16 08:24:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2262717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handschuhmaus/pseuds/handschuhmaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Important tip: Do not program crash dummies you've dressed in plausible clothing to position themselves in front of speeding vehicles, nor allow your cohosts to do so.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Tame Racing Drivers From Naboo

**Author's Note:**

> ...I don't even know why I decided to Rule 63 this fic... Obviously it doesn't represent the actions of the real TG3. But why _shouldn't_ they have female GFFA counterparts? 
> 
> The basic notion has actually been floating around in my head for sometime--back in May immediately prior to my computer crash, I was writing an extremely angsty fic about the aftermath of the pedestrian incident and how it and Cosinga's reaction could have driven our favorite redheaded Sith toward the dark path, and needed something lighthearted to cheer me up. This plot ~~bunny~~ ysalamiri, wherein no one actually gets hurt (the dummies don't even have droid level personalities) filled that craving. (I didn't lose anything I'd actually _saved_ to disk in the crash, but I'd somehow managed to avoid saving a huge portion of that fic, entitled "Cede Malis Tuum", or something close to that, and after more than three months it _still_ hurts XP so I've not been inclined to rewrite that yet)
> 
> This was written late at night so I'm not guaranteeing the quality. Oh, and the tenses may be weird--thanks to writing on "Things Fall Away", this got written in present tense but I somehow found myself veering off from that at various points.

She stops the speeder, limbs shaking with shock, and climbs out, her general air suggesting drunkenness even though it is really only the shock. She has just run down a couple of pedestrians, and surely that means that things are about to change drastically in her life. And then she hears voices around the corner.

"I told you the idea was absolutely rubbish, and what did you say? Nothing! That's what, nothing!" Astonished, Palpatine realizes she recognizes the voice, and of course the person it belongs to. It is then that Riza Hammond, the youngest of the three hosts of _Top Speed_ , walks out of the alley opposite the source of her cohost's voice, bearing a mug of caff.

"Does anyone know where the Stig's gotten to?" she asks, a little obliviously.

"Obliterated! They've been properly run down!" the iconic Jerah Clarkson proclaims gleefully, as she and Gemma May come around the corner.

"No, we haven't any idea where the Stig's gone off to, and I imagine we've worried this young lady dreadfully," Gemma says irritably.

Palpatine's mouth has gone dry and no words are quite forthcoming, though she does notice that Riza, the shortest of the three, is about her own height.

"What _have_ you done now, Clarkson?" Riza asks, ponytail swinging as she leans over to inspect the front of Palpatine's speeder where it would have impacted the pedestrians.

"Only gone and programmed these crash dummies to all but fling themselves at speeding vehicles!" Gemma accuses, gesturing to what even Palpatine now realizes are clothed crash dummies she just ran down.

"Nice driving though, miss. Say, couldn't she be our replacement Stig?" Jez suggests offhandedly, offering the young Naboo her hand.

"And here I thought you weren't paying attention," Riza comments, taking a swig of caff.

Palpatine was willing to swear that she _would not_ respond to such an invitation from her favorite vehicular journalists with "Would I ever!" but any such resolution would have been futile, because she finds herself saying just that.

"It's settled then," Jerah proclaims, "Welcome to _Top Speed_ , Ginger Stig!"

Gemma frowns, facepalms, and mutters to herself about how Clarkson does not have the requisite authority really to do that and she'd gotten them into this mess with the shite idea of the suicidal crash dummies anyway, as she walks over over to inspect the fallen crash dummies.

* * *

On the other side of the planet, Hego Damask also has her head in her hands, though this is almost assuredly because she has just discovered that contrary to the show's mythology, the Stig is quite an ordinary _human_ without even notable Force-sensitivity, extraordinary only in the aspect of being unusually skilled at driving.


End file.
